Monday, April 24, 2006
its officially over. now im once agn embracing single hood!!=)) good?maybe...
this is juz for u...i gotta get this off my chest. i noe u're gonna read it some day. but then agn..maybe u wont anymore..watever the case, i think u noe wat im gonna say. and there's no point in keeping this from u anyway...
i need answers. im filled with doubts and queries. u left me hanging there in the middle of no where. u cant answer all my questions. and i cant help but doubt all your reasons for ending this. it does not make sense. none of it does. when my frens found out. they were shocked. they nv believed u capable of this. neither did i. u said u will always find a solution in every problem. but for us,
u din even try. u din even give US a chance. u din give me a chance to try. i suspected there was a prob. but i tot we will work things out. i din expect this ending. when u said u wanted to be alone, my heart was torn apart. i noe u cldnt bring urself to say wat u needed. i noe that u prob hurt inside too, but this was inevitable. i had to say goodbye even though i din want to. all i wanted to do then was to find a solution out of this with u; or juz hit u. i cried buckets that nite. when morning came. i thought things were better. i thought
i was better. but u noe what. i wasnt. it still feels like a nightmare. a surreal part of me. i wanna wake up from this nightmare.
i was a dead sea of calm from the moment i woke up till i reached sch. i thought i was in enuff control to let them noe. i shld've noe that was the calm b4 the storm. the moment i started to explain, tears flowed. reality hits and the pain was too real.
all those promises u made. those assurances i had from u. in the end...was it all empty promises? i refused to believe that. but somehow..i cant help but feel that its true. yes. u dun regret being with me. neither do i. but do feelings fade that fast? i cant make myself believe that. and neither can i make myself believe that u can be so heartless. i noe this is prob hurting u as much as it is hurting me. but i guess its not hurting u so much. coz, ur feelings has faded while mine grew stronger. who's hurting more? i dunno.
u made me fall so much. so hard. so deep. and yet u were also the one who took my heart and threw it away.
u said u needed to be alone. u said u werent ready to be in a relationship. u said we might be a little too fast. u said, u said, u said. everything u said that nite kept ringing in my mind. i cant get it out. maybe wat u said was true but everything u said pierced my heart. i feel as though u took my heart, stabbed it with a knife, threw it on the ground n trampled on it. u cld've juz killed me. everything was said by u. that u were comfortable, and that u were sure. now u said u're not ready. if u werent ready.
why did u even assure me so much in the beginning? why did u make me fall so hard?
up till now. i find it hard to understand the reason behind this. i feel like u're finding an excuse or sth. and i think u were comparing me with ur past relationships which is unfair to me. i told u b4. this was different. but in the end, over the phone, it was still a comparison with ur past r/s. u said it was unfair to me if u dragged it on any longer.but have it ever occurred to u that
it also isnt fair to me that u ended this without even trying? u said the words will nv come out of ur mouth. but i guess there's always a first time to everything. n it had to be with me.
i cried till tears ran dry. i talked till i cant think of wat to say anymore. i told myself to be strong. and that things will be better. in the end. tears still involuntarily flowed down my face. i nv thought that this short period wld be enuff to make me hurt so much. honestly, if u were to tell me that face to face. i wld prob haf juz hit u. hard. maybe that will make me feel better. but sadly, i cant do that. even if that scenario was to happen. i dun think i can make myself hit u.
i cant tell u how upset and hurt and angry i am. but there's no pt elaborating so much anymore. wats done is done.
nevertheless, after all that ranting. i still want u to noe. i had the most wonderful 3 weeks with u. and though im hurting like hell... dun ever feel sorry. i noe u think that this is ur fault. though it prob is.. but dun feel sorry. coz i guess i dun realli blame u. u had ur reasons, even though u cldnt explain it to me. as much as i wanna hate u for doing this to me, i noe that i cant. though it wasnt a long r/s... the feeling was sure deep enuff... and i guess i dun want us to split up blaming one another for this. so please dun feel sorry. =) anyways, these 3 weeks, i experienced true love, happiness and joy from u. and
i noe u really do care abt me. so do i. that's why i dun want u to ever feel sorry. that's the least u can promise me...=) and i will be fine. that i can promise u.
haf a great life ahead. and please.
be urself...always!=) and always smile. ur smile really brightens one's day. i've always loved ur smile.(: if there's any outing with zf n anne and the rest...juz ask me along. as long as u feel comfortable enuff..afterall, frenship is sth we cant ever let go off...(:
and i wanna thank you. for the great memories and for coming into my life. u are realli a gem.
thank you, for everything.=)with lots of love,
me.
Feel the rhythm of the beat ;
10:42 PM
